Finally got it to turn over with a can of starter fluid and 2 ounces of Valvoline VR1 20w50 down the carb throats.
Needed it to idle for a while to get some Alumaseal in the cooling system with some water. There's a good chance there's a coolant leak in the rear housing. Kentetsu from RX7Club.com had a similar issue and reported nothing but success in solving his problem with some Alumaseal.
I think I just gave myself cancer and went deaf all at the same time though.
Oh! And turn down your volume too before you play the video. You'll die if you don't.